Unread Letters to a Lover
by boombands
Summary: After upsetting Sirius with a joke Remus lets Sirius read the letters he's written to him over the years. Marauder Era.


Sirius stuck his hands into his pockets as he made his way up the path to the school. He longed for the warmth of the castle as the wind bit at his extremities. The snow whirled around him. He heard pounding footsteps behind him and looked forward resolutely.

"Sirius!" Remus yelled, his throat raw from the cold air. "Please wait."

Sirius blocked out the voice, looking instead to the caste and thinking of warm beds and the fire in the Gryffindor common room. He thought of warming his hands on it and changing out of his freezing, damp robes. He cursed Remus for being such a prat, for making his so mad he had to walk away, walk outside in the cold, instead of staying happily at the Hogs Head, watching the devious behavior of strangers all around him. No doubt James and Peter were still there, bartering with the blue eyed bartender for a bottle of firewhiskey.

So lost in his thoughts of anger and occasionally the warmth of the building he didn't notice as his friend caught up beside him as he neared the door. "Damn it Sirius, I'm about to die."

"That'd be a shame." Sirius said, not bothering to look at Remus.

"Listen, " Remus said, sadness in his voice, "I didn't mean to upset you, it was a joke."

Sirius had been reaching out to open the door but paused turning on the other boy, "Well it's not funny to me! You're right, my mother never loved me, you're absolutely correct, but don't you think saying no one ever will was going a bit far."

"It was a joke!" Remus pleaded, "I don't think that at all, you were just being stupid, making rude comments about those girls," Remus reached out opening the door and holding it open for Sirius. "I don't think no one will ever love you, we all love you, come on, Sirius please."

Sirius had started walking ahead of his friend again, though he noted it was rather useless as they lived in the same room. "But that's not what you meant Remus, you meant no one will ever really love me."

"I didn't really mean it though!" He stood in front of Sirius, looking him in the eye, "I don't mean that at all."

Sirius pushed past him, "Fine Remus, whatever you say."

Remus sighed, fighting back tears, he had never meant to hurt Sirius, "I'm sorry."

"You're the last person I wanted to hear that from Remus, it's not okay." Sirius said still not looking at Remus.

"I think you will be loved Sirius, I think you're more deserving of love than most of us, WILL YOU PLEASE LISTEN TO ME."

Sirius walked ahead, nearing the portrait of the fat lady. "Whomping Willow." He said, noting the irony as he made his way through the portrait hole, he didn't bother to stop at the fire instead making his way up to the dormitory, and his bed. He laid facedown on the bed putting his pillows over his head, but he could still hear Remus banging around the room. After a while he felt a small weight drop onto his back and then the door slam, Remus must have left.

Once he was sure Remus had truly left Sirius turned over to see what had been dropped on his back. He picked up the small pile of letters, tied together with a red string, and sat up in his bed. On the outside the letters were numbered and he opened the first one, and immediately recognized Remus' hand writing.

_Sirius,  
I'm sure I'll never give this to you, but maybe one day I will, maybe if the right time comes. Oh who am I kidding, the right time will never come. Not with you being all handsome and having the entire female population practically begging at your feet, and could anyone really blame them? I know I don't, I do think you're gorgeous Sirius.  
_

_-Remus_

Sirius read it again, and then once more, before setting it aside, his stomach in knots he opened the second letter.

_Sirius,  
I don't know why I continue to write these. If I ever give them to you I need to know that I really wish you didn't insist upon not wearing a shirt. It's horribly distracting, and then I get even more distracted trying not to look at you and I just don't know how I'll ever get my work done. I wish you would look at me like I looked at you, I wish I could hold you, I wish you didn't have such piercing eyes that scare me so much, because I feel like you can see right through me. I wish a lot of things Sirius._

_-Remus_

Sirius didn't bother to reread that one, instead reaching out for the third letter, opening it quickly. He noted this one was longer than the rest.

_Sirius,  
Today I caught you kissing Alexis, and my heart about broke, and I'm sorry I was so cold at lunch today, I just couldn't stand to watch the two of you. I know you would never want to kiss me, even if I wasn't a boy, I've got these horrible scars all over me, even on my face. I know I'm disgusting but sometimes when you're looking at me, I pretend you see me like I see you, beautiful and perfect. Don't get me wrong, I know your flaws, I know that you have trouble believing in anyone and that your arrogance is only there to keep a barrier so no one can hurt you but it only makes me want you more. I want to hold you and make it better. Sometimes when you throw your head back laughing over some joke I said I pretend later I'll be kissing all the exposed neck—how creepy does that sound? I guess it kind of is but I can't help it, I wish I could, I fear this will ruin our friendship, but I just can't help it. I can't._

_Remus_

Sirius put down the letter, his feelings of anger all but gone. He picked up the last letter and opened it, worried because after this he'd have to go and talk to Remus and everything was different now.

_Sirius,  
Today I realized something, I'm completely in love with you, and it made me want to cry. I did my best to not let it happen, because it's absurd, you don't feel the same way, it's such a waste of my time, but despite my best efforts I do love you. I wish I could tell you but why ruin our friendship, so instead I'll keep it to myself, writing these sad pathetic letters as if one day you'll read them. I'm just a sad pathetic boy, but to this sad pathetic boy you mean the world._

_Love, Remus_

Sirius sat down the next letter after reading it no less than four times, and the stared ahead for a few moments. Finally, his stomach feeling as though it had taken up lodging in his throat he made his way down the stairs. The common room was empty expect Remus who staring straight at the fire looking petrified. The older students were still in Hogsmeade and the younger ones no doubt were outside in the snow.

Remus looked up at Sirius, terror on his face, he stood up, and oddly his voice was quite strong, "I told you Sirius, it was a joke, a stupid unfunny joke, but I never meant it, I never thought no one would love you, I love you."

Sirius just stood looking at him he wasn't moving, just looking at him, and Remus wasn't sure he had even heard him; he was terrified that he had just made the biggest mistake of his life. He had just ruined his friendship with Sirius. He was going to have to live in the same room as a boy who would now be completely disgusted by him for another year and a half.

Then very suddenly, without any sort of warning, Sirius moved forward quickly, smashing his lips to Remus' with such force that if he hadn't been able to steady himself on the chair behind him he would have surely fallen over.

It wasn't a tender kiss in any way, in fact it was quite the opposite, and though it didn't last long when they pulled apart Remus' lips and chin felt raw from the stubble on Sirius' face.

Sirius looked at him again for a few moments before leaning forward and resting his forehead against Remus'. "I'm sorry I overreacted." He whispered.

"You kissed me." Remus said, his heart feeling as though it would jump completely out of his chest.

Sirius smiled, "I don't think you're stupid, pathetic or disgusting, I think you're beautiful and brilliant. You're perfect." And once again he pressed his lips to the other boys, but this time it was gentle and loving and he pulled Sirius close to him as though he couldn't get close enough.


End file.
